The Holiness of Mora
Bein Adam Le-chavero: Ethics of Interpersonal Conduct
By Rav Binyamin Zimmerman
Shiur #05: The Holiness of Mora
The Ramifications
In last week's lesson, we
saw a number of sources which point to God's collaboration with parents in the
creation of a child as the reason for the extra respect towards them which the
child must show. This stands in contrast or in addition to the reason for the
mitzva provided by the Chinnukh: the need to show gratitude for everything one's
parents have provided.
Now we may ask the
following question: is the special honor to be accorded to one's parents an
interpersonal mitzva, requiring an added show of gratitude, due to the great
care parents have provided for their children; or is the mitzva of honoring
one's parents essentially a ritual obligation, wherein the parents are the
conduit for honoring God?
This question is not
merely academic, but one with halakhic ramifications. Different conclusions in
specific cases may help us shed light on the distinction between these two
rationales and the nature of this mitzva.
Two Types of Waiving
Let us consider the issue
of mechila, waiving. Halakhically, mechila may refer to forgiving
a debt, forgoing one's honor or forgiving someone for an offense. How is
mechila applicable when it takes the form of waiving parental rights of
respect and deference?
If showing kavod
is an interpersonal mitzva directed at one's parents, then logically a parent
should be able to forgo this honor. On the other hand, if honoring one's parents
is a ritual obligation, a mitzva bein adam la-Makom, wherein the parents
are merely the address of the obligation as a means of showing honor to one's
heavenly Parent, then logic would dictate that the parents aren't capable of
waiving this, as the honor is not really due to them but due to God.
The Talmud comments on
this issue (Kiddushin 32a):
A father who has waived
his honor, his honor is forgone.
The fact that the Talmud
states explicitly that a parent can remove the obligation of a child to honor
him seems to be unequivocal proof that the mitzva of kavod is an
interpersonal mitzva, due to the debt of gratitude owed to one's parent.
However, this is not
necessarily true. A number of commentaries argue that this principle derives not
from the fact that parents own their honor, as it were, but from the following
concept: "fulfilling the desire of a person is the way to honor them." (See
Shulchan Arukh Ha-rav in a different context, 128:60.) Even if the honor is
ultimately due to God, the way to express kavod is by deferring to the
parents wishes. If ones parents are fully capable of dressing or feeding
themselves and the child insists on doing these actions for them out of a sense
of obligation, this is not an act of kavod, because the parent doesn't
want it. Therefore, the Maharam Schick and others say no proof can be brought
from the father's right to forgo his honor, as even if honoring one's parents is
a mitzva bein adam la-Makom, it would still be dependent on the parents'
wishes.
Furthermore, a number of
Rishonim point out that even if the father forgoes his honor, it is still proper
to honor him as much as possible (Tosafot Ha-Rosh ad loc.) and to treat
him with a modicum of respect. For instance (Ritva ad loc.), the child
may not rise for the parent upon seeing him, but the child should at least rise
slightly when the parents comes close. (See also Shitta Mekubbetzet, Bava
Metzia 32a, s.v. Od.)
The question regarding a
different type of mechila is also discussed in this context. The Rambam (Hilkhot
Teshuva 2:9; see Mishna Yoma 8:9) codifies that Yom Kippur, as well
as the standard process of repentance throughout the year, only serve to absolve
a person of sins between man and God, but not of those between man and his
fellow. In order to atone for the latter, an individual must first right the
wrong by either making restitution for the loss or fixing the damage caused, and
then one may proceed to obtain verbal forgiveness from his fellow.
If we classify honoring
parents as a mitzva bein adam la-Makom, then if one doesn't wrong his
parents but is too busy to show them the proper honor, would he be obligated to
repent to God only or must he also ask his parents for forgiveness?
The Minchat Chinnukh (33)
actually entertains the possibility that one might only need to repent to God,
as the parents are only the object of this mitzva bein adam le-chavero.
However, logic dictates that here as well, even if the parents are only the
object, failure to satisfy their wishes is defined as violating this mitzva, and
their forgiveness must be sought when one has been deficient in honoring them.
What Type of Parents?
Logically, one may also
assert that the reasoning behind the mitzva should determine whether everyones
parents must indeed be honored. If gratitude is the basis, the mitzva may be
applicable only to parents who deserve to be thanked. Nevertheless, in some
cases, it appears that the mitzva pertains even to parents who have been
deficient in their parental responsibilities.
This may be evidence that
the source of the obligation is not gratitude; however, some view it as an
indication that both elements of the mitzva in fact exist: the mitzva of
kavod is both a mitzva to honor one's parents for what they have done and to
use their stature as a means of recognizing and connecting to God, our Heavenly
Father. For instance, the Meshekh Chokhma (Devarim 5:15; see also
Vayikra 19:3) takes note of the peculiar lengthy language that describes the
mitzva of kavod when recorded in the second description of the Ten
Commandments. There the Torah sates:
Honor your father and
your mother, as Lord, your God, has commanded you; so that your days may be
lengthened and so that it shall be good for you upon the ground that Lord, your
God, gives you.
The Meshekh Chokhma begins by explaining that
this indicates that one must honor their parents even if their parents have
abandoned them and are not deserving of excessive gratitude. Then he continues:
Amongst the Jews there is
another basis for respecting parents, for they raise their children to achieve
true success by transmitting to them the mitzvot and the Jewish
tradition from generation to generation
Therefore [the Torah] says that even if
ones father did not transmit to him the correct traditions, he should still
honor him as Lord, your God, has commanded you for you [who were present at
Mount Sinai] are in a generation where the children also heard directly from God
and do not require their parents tradition, as you heard the Oral Law directly
from Moshe. Yet, despite this, Lord, your God, has commanded you to honor your
father and mother.
The divine connection
mandates a level of honor even for ostensibly undeserving parents (though the
exact parameters are beyond the purview of this discussion).
However, the
Talmud (Bava Kamma 94b) states that if a man
steals an animal and he then dies, his children must return the stolen animal to
preserve their father's honor, but only if the father had repented before his
passing. As the Tur (YD 240) notes, this seems to be compelling evidence
that one need not honor a parent who is sinful. How is it, then, that the Rambam
rules (Hilkhot Mamrim 6:11) that the mitzva of kavod applies even
to one whose parents are sinners?
Rabbi
Mordechai Willig explains that the Rambam only requires honoring sinful parents
during their lifetime, as one can only prove from the Talmud that no obligation
exists towards sinful parents after their death. How does this relate to our two
rationales? Gratitude might understandably be limited to a parent's lifetime,
but recognition of a parents collaboration with God applies even after death,
as long as the parent was a true partner with God and lived an ultimately
righteous life. (See
http://www.torahweb.org/torah/2000/parsha/rwil_lechlecha.html)
Similarly, one might be
free from obligation of servicing a parents needs if the parent is already
cared for by others, as this is akin to waiving parental rights. Nevertheless,
the Rambam (op. cit. 11) rules, regarding an elderly parent, that one
should ideally care for the parent personally, and only if unable to do so, may
one employ another. This ruling may be based on the fact that showing gratitude
by ensuring that a parents needs are met may be accomplished through another,
but paying respect to one's parents as partners with God should, at least
preferably, be done personally.
Kavod versus Mora
While there are sources
that indicate that kavod of one's parents actually entails both these
elements, there is room to advance this idea one step further: perhaps the two
different mitzvot of parental care are actually rooted in these two
different motifs. As noted, a child carries two responsibilities to his parents,
kavod and mora, honoring and revering.
The Talmud (Kiddushin
31b) states:
The Rabbis taught: What
is meant by honoring parents? Honor means serving food and drink, helping them
get dressed, welcoming them when they enter and escorting them when they leave
the home.
The Rabbis taught: What
is meant by revering parents? Reverence means neither standing in his customary
place, nor sitting in his seat, nor contradicting his words, nor passing
judgment over his fathers opinion.
While the placement in the Torah of the mitzva
of kavod might to point us in the direction of focusing on its ritual
content, the nature of the obligation pushes us in the opposite direction. The
nature of kavod requires one to tend to ones parents' physical needs.
The most basic background for the mitzva is the debt of gratitude one has
towards one's parents; just as they provided physically for their child, the
child should do the same for them. True, honoring one's parents may also include
an element of recognizing the parental role in transmitting the tradition;
however, the focus of the mitzva is the gratitude displayed to these
transmitters. For this reason, the Talmud can learn the obligation of honoring
one's parents from the behavior of the non-Jew from Ashkelon, Dama ben Netina,
whose devotion to his father prevents him from waking his father even at the
cost of a major potential windfall. The grateful nature of kavod is
understood by all of humanity.
Understanding that the
mitzva of kavod addresses the physical needs of one's parents makes it
difficult to view it as a means of deepening our relationship with God. It would
appear to be an interpersonal mitzva of gratitude. The mitzva of mora,
however, goes beyond this. For this reason, we may entertain the idea that
although kavod is rooted in gratitude, coupled with an appreciation of
God's place in the family, mora is the mitzva of revering the partners in
one's creation, focused on God, the third partner in the birth of a child. By
revering the first two tangible partners, one recognizes where one comes from,
expressing the appreciation one has for God as well.
While kavod is
placed at the epicenter of the Ten Commandments, mora also has a place of
pride, as the first mitzva mentioned in Parashat Kedoshim. Evidently this
mitzva is a guiding force in elevating a Jew to the level of kedusha. In
order to live in this world a life of holiness, one must be cognizant of ones
origins and realize the potential for kedusha there.
While kavod leads
one to embrace the Jewish ideal of gratitude, mora brings an additional
element, connecting through one's parents to the third partner in ones
creation, God Himself.
The Talmud (ibid.)
records:
Whenever Rav Yosef heard
the footsteps of his mother, he would say: Let me rise because the Divine
Presence is coming.
While the mitzva of
kavod ensures we take care of our parents' needs, mora reminds each
and every member of the Jewish people to know his or her place. Indeed, the
child may one day collaborate with the divine if God is generous enough to grant
that child the gift and responsibility of becoming a parent.
Frame of Reference
Understanding mora
as underscoring the connection between one's parents and God might also explain
why it is found in Parashat Kedoshim.
The Or Ha-chayim (Vayikra
19:3) explains how the mitzva of Kedoshim tihyu, often associated with
maintaining control regarding forbidden sexual unions, relates to the
commandment to revere one's parents. He cites the Sages tradition (Sota
36) that Yosef was able to resist the temptation of Potiphar's wife because a
vision of his fathers face appeared before him. It was his father and all he
symbolized that allowed Yosef to retain his holy inner character at the critical
moment of extreme temptation. The Or Ha-chayim writes:
I have heard it said in
the name of Kabbalists (Kav Ha-yashar, ch. 2) that the image of one's
father's face strengthens the forces of sanctity within his child and helps him
resist becoming a victim of temptation involving sexual abominations.
One's parents are the conduit through which
they come to be knowledgeable about tradition and committed to its teachings.
Therefore, one tempted by sin, especially regarding an illicit relationship,
should try to use the image of one's parents to remain true to their ideals. The
Or Ha-Chayim goes on to say that this is also a factor in the shame a parent may
feel when a child leaves the spiritual path of tradition.
Rooted in the Divine Relationship
Rav Soloveitchik notes
that the added element of mora may be understood in light of the Rambam's
codification (loc. cit. 7) of the Talmudic delineation of the obligations
of kavod and mora.
To what degree does the
mitzva of honoring one's father and mother extend? Even if one's parents take
his purse of gold and throw it into the sea in his presence, he should not
embarrass them, shout, or vent anger at them. Instead, he should accept the
Torah's decree and remain silent.
To what degree does the
mitzva of fearing them extend? Even if one was wearing fine garments and sitting
at the head of the community, if one's father and mother came, ripped the
clothes, struck him on the head and spit in his face, he should not embarrass
them. Instead, he should remain silent and fear the King of kings who commanded
him to conduct himself in this manner. Were a mortal king to decree something
which would cause him even more suffering, he would not be able to move a limb
in protest. Certainly, this applies when the command emanates from He Who spoke
and caused the world to come into existence as He desired it.
While both obligations
express an advanced degree of care and concern, there is a clear difference
between them. A parents wasting a childs money might be unpleasant, but under
certain circumstances the child might resort to similar acts and would waste his
own money without a sufficient reason; therefore one must continue to honor
ones parents in such a case. However, the obligation of mora applies
even when parents completely embarrass a child, even though one would never
knowingly subject himself to utter humiliation.
Rav Soloveitchik explains
the distinction. Kavod recognizes equality, treating another in the
manner one would expect to be treated. The mitzva of mora goes one step
beyond, requiring not only equal love but preferential treatment, not only
tolerance of the whims of a parent but patience and perseverance while dealing
with a parent who has completely lost control and the ability to discriminate
between right and wrong. This mora involves sacrifice, self-denial for
the sake of the parent, serving him with an unqualified commitment, even
suffering on his behalf.
The mitzva of mora
means not only equality, but "reverence, which in turn expresses itself in
self-giving to the parent, in placing him above myself, in assessing my
relatedness to him as something sacred and indispensable for my own being, in
experiencing a unique dependence upon him which can only be understood if placed
within a metaphysical transcendental realm" (Family Redeemed, p. 152).
The only question left is
the following: what is the reason for such selfless devotion? As we noted above,
the requirements of kavod, while extreme, are understandable: one must
love another as oneself, so demanding that a child do for his parents whatever
he might want for himself is logical, even if in the current situation he would
have chosen something else. However, Rav Soloveitchik notes, this concept of
reverence involves a selfless care almost incompatible with human existence, as
it itself is borrowed from the religious realm.
In truth, although we
have been translating "mora" as reverence, it is also the term used to
express fear. When describing one of the emotions man is supposed to have in
relation to God, the Torah says:
Lord your God shall you
fear, Him shall you serve and in His name shall you swear. (Devarim 6:16)
The commentators note
that there are at least two different types of fear or reverence one must
experience in their relationship to God.
The first is fear of
punishment, expressed by the Rambam in his Sefer Ha-mitzvot (Positive 4):
He has commanded us that
we are to fear Him and that we are to venerate Him, so that we may not by like
those unbelievers who walk in the stubbornness of their hearts and in a spirit
of contrariness. Instead, we are to live in fear of His punishment at all times.
However, there is also a second level of
mora, awe of the exalted and majestic. This is the experience wherein one is
not only cognizant of the power of God to punish, but rather "the feeling of awe
arising from one's encounter with the infinite, mysterious, unknowable, and
wholly other." It involves an awareness of something far beyond the human
experience. This is described by the Rambam elsewhere (Hilkhot Yesodei
Ha-Torah 2:2): when one obtains a glimpse of God's greatness, one realizes
the gap between his lowly self and the infinite. "When he ponders these matters,
he will recoil affrighted and realize that he is a small creature, lowly and
obscure
standing in the presence of Him Who is infinite in His knowledge
"
Regarding one's
relationship with God, both elements of mora are involved. However, man
is not supposed to live in fear of his parents, only awe. This involves a
relationship of admiration, profound adoration and awe. This is the meaning of
revering one's parents, as they arouse within ones soul a craving, a longing, a
deep fearful love, a tremor and a great joy.
This is an inner
relationship, rooted not in the realm of interpersonal relationships but in the
transcendental realm of a higher consciousness, by which we become aware of the
mystery of being. It enables the realization that when in their presence, one
does not only stand beside one's parents, but one feels his absolute dependence
on a Higher Being. How does one reconcile the varying concepts of reverence? The
Rav writes (loc. cit. p. 155):
The answer is implicit in
the question and has already been suggested: the mora relationship to a
parent must not be torn out of the context of relations to God. There is a
secret unity beneath the surface diversity. Relationships and relatedness to a
parent hides in its essence man's longing and craving for God; there is a final
oneness in our surrender to parent and God. In fearing the parent, one stands in
awe and tremor before God himself, before the "Before," the source of his
existence; in giving parents respect and reverence one adores and worships God.
This distinction explains
nicely why mora is placed in Parashat Kedoshim: to be holy and
come close to God, reverence for ones parents is essential. This dovetails with
a point made by the Shulchan Arukh Ha-Rav (128) in a different context,
regarding the kohanim, the priestly descendants of Aharon. He explains
that they may waive the honors due to them, but not elements of their kedusha.
Kavod, as mentioned earlier, is dependent upon the will of the one being
honored, and the honoree may waive this entitlement because one pays homage to
an individual best by fulfilling the individuals wishes. However, elements
related to kedusha brook no mechila, for the holiness of the
individual is not dependent upon that persons whim.
Similarly, parents may
waive their kavod, as that is due to them as an interpersonal obligation;
however, the option of mechila is not applicable to that which mandated
as mora. This appears in Parashat Kedoshim as the first
mitzva of kedusha, indicating that it reflects the reverence we must show
to God. It is a way of expressing the kedusha that the partners in our
creation share, bequeathing us our spiritual legacy. We hope that the
parent-child relationships amongst the Jewish people will serve to impart the
message of holiness that only the mitzva of mora can convey.
This website is constantly being improved. We would appreciate hearing from you. Questions and comments on the classes are welcome, as is help in tagging, categorizing, and creating brief summaries of the classes. Thank you for being part of the Torat Har Etzion community!